Understanding Unhealthy Conflicts in Relationships
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. It’s how we handle it that determines whether it brings us closer or drives a wedge between us. While healthy conflict can be a doorway to growth, unhealthy conflict creates patterns of harm and disconnection. Today, I want to talk about three toxic behaviors that often show up in unhealthy conflicts: stonewalling, the silent treatment, and gaslighting. These behaviors can slowly erode trust and emotional safety in a relationship if left unchecked.
Stonewalling: The Wall That Blocks Connection
Stonewalling happens when one person emotionally shuts down during a conflict. Instead of engaging in the conversation, they withdraw, avoid eye contact, and may even physically leave the room. It’s often a defense mechanism, a way to avoid feeling overwhelmed or hurt, but it leaves the other person feeling abandoned.
Story: Emma and Jack had been married for five years when Emma started noticing Jack’s pattern of stonewalling. Whenever they argued about finances, Jack would cross his arms, stop responding, and stare at his phone. Emma’s attempts to resolve their issues were met with silence, leaving her feeling invisible and unheard. Over time, Emma’s frustration grew into resentment, and their arguments became less about finding solutions and more about pointing fingers. The wall Jack built between them was too tall for Emma to climb.
Why It’s Harmful: Stonewalling sends a message, intentional or not, that the other person’s feelings don’t matter. It halts communication and leaves issues unresolved, which can lead to lingering resentment. When someone stonewalls, it also prevents them from truly listening and empathizing, making the conflict feel one-sided.
How to Address It: If you or your partner tend to stonewall, take a step back to understand why. Often, it stems from feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Practice self-awareness and communicate when you need a break: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a moment and come back to this?” This allows space to cool down without shutting the door on resolution.
The Silent Treatment: A Tool of Emotional Distance
The silent treatment takes stonewalling a step further by intentionally ignoring the other person to punish or manipulate them. Unlike taking a healthy break to cool down, the silent treatment is often prolonged and designed to control the situation by withholding communication.
Story: Lila and Ben had a heated argument about their vacation plans. Lila wanted a quiet getaway, while Ben preferred an adventurous trip. Frustrated, Ben decided to stop speaking to Lila altogether. For days, he ignored her attempts to talk, refusing even to acknowledge her presence. Lila felt hurt and confused, questioning whether their relationship was even worth saving. The silence was deafening, and instead of solving their disagreement, it only deepened the divide between them.
Why It’s Harmful: The silent treatment creates a toxic power dynamic, leaving one person feeling dismissed and powerless. It denies the opportunity for resolution and often makes the recipient feel as though their emotions are invalid or unimportant. Over time, this behavior can erode self-esteem and trust.
How to Address It: Breaking the silent treatment requires vulnerability and courage. If you’re on the receiving end, express how the silence makes you feel without being accusatory: “I feel hurt and disconnected when we don’t talk. Can we work through this together?” For those who use silence as a coping mechanism, acknowledge the pattern and work toward healthier ways to express frustration or hurt.
Gaslighting: The Erosion of Reality
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where one person distorts the truth to make the other question their own perceptions or sanity. It often starts subtly but can escalate into a significant power imbalance in the relationship.
Story: When Priya noticed her partner, Alex, spending more time on their phone and acting secretive, she brought it up. Alex laughed and said, “You’re imagining things. You’re always so paranoid.” Priya started doubting herself, wondering if she was overreacting. Over time, Alex’s constant denial of her feelings made her question her instincts, leaving her confused and insecure.
Why It’s Harmful: Gaslighting undermines trust, self-confidence, and emotional security. It shifts blame away from the manipulator, making the victim feel responsible for the problem. In the long term, it can lead to significant emotional and psychological harm.
How to Address It: If you suspect gaslighting, document specific incidents and trust your instincts. Share your experiences with a trusted friend or therapist who can offer perspective. Confronting gaslighting directly may require professional support, as it often involves deep-seated patterns of manipulation.
Recognizing Patterns in Unhealthy Conflicts
Unhealthy conflict isn’t always easy to spot, especially when it’s subtle or infrequent. However, repeated patterns of stonewalling, silent treatment, or gaslighting are clear indicators that the relationship needs attention. Here are some questions to help you reflect:
- Do I feel heard and respected during disagreements?
- Are conflicts resolved, or do they keep resurfacing?
- Do I feel emotionally safe expressing my thoughts and feelings?
If the answer to any of these questions is “no,” it might be time to evaluate the dynamics in your relationship and seek support.
How to Foster Healthier Conflict
Unhealthy conflicts don’t have to define your relationship. With effort and open communication, you can replace destructive patterns with healthier ones. Here are some steps to get started:
- Acknowledge the Problem: The first step is recognizing unhealthy behaviors. Talk openly about the patterns you’ve noticed without placing blame. For example, “I’ve realized we tend to avoid resolving issues. Can we work on this together?”
- Practice Active Listening: Listening is a powerful tool for understanding your partner’s perspective. Validate their feelings even if you don’t agree, and avoid interrupting.
- Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries around what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable. For example, agree to take a break during heated arguments but commit to revisiting the issue.
- Seek Professional Help: Couples therapy can provide a safe space to address unresolved issues and learn healthier conflict resolution strategies.
Final Thoughts
Unhealthy conflict, whether it manifests as stonewalling, the silent treatment, or gaslighting, can take a serious toll on a relationship. These behaviors may feel like defense mechanisms in the moment, but they create barriers to trust, understanding, and emotional safety.
The good news? Patterns can change. By recognizing these behaviors and committing to healthier ways of communicating, you can transform how you navigate conflict. Relationships aren’t about avoiding disagreements altogether—they’re about learning how to face them together, with compassion and respect.
If you’ve experienced any of these unhealthy dynamics, know that you’re not alone. And remember, seeking help—whether from a friend, mentor, or therapist—is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve relationships that uplift and empower you, not ones that weigh you down.
